Last night, my wife and I came to the realization that it is time to have a conversation about sex with our daughter. She is nine, and will be turning ten this year. This fall she will be in the fifth grade, and next year she will be heading to middle school. Sadly, there will be middle schoolers that will already be engaging in sexual activity. It’s a thought we hate to even have, but it is a harsh reality. A recent study shows that due to the rise in both smartphones and tablets, kids are being exposed to pornography between the ages of 8 and 11. That exposure coupled with natural urges can produce a desire to explore sex and sexuality. We don’t have time to sit back and be silent on something so important.
Many parents struggle to have this conversation due to the shame they may carry from personal experiences, or they are completely lost on what to say. I run into many adults who acknowledge their parents never had the talk with them, and some even acknowledge that it contributed to their decision making. This is why we are taking the conversation seriously, and starting early. We realize we won’t be able to explain every component of sex to our nine year old, which is why this will be an ongoing dialogue that will continue from this point forward. As we considered having this conversation, here are the things we have earmarked as a guide for us.
- Focus on the why, not just the what.
It’s no secret that we believe sexual purity is the best choice based on our Christian values; however, many times Christian parents push scripture without offering clear insight on the why. In reality, many married couples who have had either one or both spouses to engage in premarital sex understand the adverse impact of such decisions. No it is not a make or break for a marriage, but it does produce some difficult challenges to navigate. Soul ties, emotional connections, sexual comparisons, STD’s, and the list can go on and on and on. Concentrating on what you want your child to do without explaining the why could result in them ignoring your concerns, and completely dismissing what has been said. Of course, we won’t be able to dive into all of the aspects of the why at the age of nine, but we can find the age appropriate things to share, and continue building on that as she grows and matures.
- Be transparent.
This can be hard, especially for a parent who has not coped with their past decisions. Shame can creep in and cause you to withhold valuable information from your children. No, we are not advocating that you share every graphic detail of your past, but we do believe your kids should know the consequences of those decisions. Be honest with them about how it affected you. Let them know your struggles and challenges post sexual engagement. It could literally be a difference maker for them. Remember, society and their friends will only romanticize the sexual experience. In fact, some of their peers will even reduce its value to minimize what is being done. If you don’t open up to them, someone else will. Sexual behavior is often a part of a cycle of generational behaviors, or as we refer to in the church, generational curses. Cycles are only broken when someone does something different. Maybe your parents’ lack of transparency caused you to make poor choices. Try your best to be the difference maker for your kids.
- Make it a dialogue
We are fully prepared to listen to Raynah’s questions, and respond accordingly. This conversation should not be one-sided. It is important to engage kids to see what they have learned about sex on their own or from their peers. Sometimes we want to jump in with solutions without establishing an appropriate dialogue and feedback loop. Getting it right upfront could help to develop a safe place for your child to be open going forward even as their sexual curiosity may increase.
This is a completely new experience for us in the Hardy household. We are admittedly nervous, but we understand the importance, so we are jumping in and having the conversation. We will be open through this journey, so expect a follow up blog and podcast on this subject as it unfolds.
