Do you know what it feels like to be under water, out of breath, and not sure if you can get back up to get the air that you need? In that moment, you’re literally contemplating whether or not you are about to die. That was me last spring. Some people know my journey, most don’t. In 2017, I had a clinical burnout for the first time in my life, and it felt like it was suffocating me and killing my marriage too.
Burnout is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’ve heard people casually use the term many times, but most don’t really know the weight of what they are saying. It’s no secret that I juggle a lot of things simultaneously. I’m often asked about how I manage my load. For the most part, I keep things under control, but occasionally all of my worlds collide simultaneously and things can become pretty stressful. Having a burnout didn’t just affect me, but it affected our whole family. In fact, it was one of the most difficult things my wife and I have ever had to face. When it initially started, neither of us knew what was happening. So consequently, we both responded in a way that was wrong.
For her, I was Superman, and I had never shown any signs of weakness before. So when this adversity hit our home, she wanted me to snap out of it. I knew something different was occurring that I couldn’t just shake easily, but it was hard to put into words what was going on. I didn’t really know. I’m glad I made the decision to seek out help from a professional counselor. It was the catalyst we needed to navigate through the situation. In that journey, we learned a few key things that can help you if you’re navigating burnout in your marriage.
- Rest without Regret and Resentment
Rest is absolutely necessary for the person navigating burnout. There is no path to healing without it. It can be difficult for both people to handle this, because typically the person with the burnout is facing it because they feel bad about resting. I can attest to this. I have this engine in me that tells me I need to always be doing something. I need to be helping somebody. I need to be building a better life for my family. I need to be improving my community. I need to be growing the church spiritually and numerically. I need to be moving the credit union forward. I rarely say, I need to rest. So when I do take those moments, at times I feel guilty and regret it because it feels like something else needs to be done. On the other hand, at times it felt like my wife resented when I needed those moments to pull away. It was like rest became the new thing to compete for, and instead of acknowledging the need for both of us to rest, it became a tit for tat for who needed it more. This is a trap many married couples fall into. We all need rest, so we should all take it without regret or resentment.
- Establish New Norms
If you or your spouse is encountering a burnout, something has got to change. The temptation to continue doing the same thing will be there, but in reality if nothing changes things will only get worse. Be open, respectful, and willing to compromise when navigating the adjustments that will be made in the home. At times I would roar “This is the new Ronaldo” in my home when I felt like my wife wasn’t listening to me. My approach was wrong, but so was her desire to want me to stay the same. Things didn’t improve until we both accepted the need for change.
- Get Professional Help
Burnout is not something we should simply pray away. It requires special attention, and you should certainly see a licensed professional counselor if you are encountering it.
- Be Patient with the Process
This goes for both individuals. There is no timeline for coming out of a burnout, and neither party can fully dictate it. So be patient with the process. If your spouse is navigating burnout, give them time to heal and show them as much care as possible. This is an opportunity to serve well. If you are the person navigating the process, take time to heal properly. Rushing through it will only get you right back in the same situation.
We made it through last year’s journey. I would be lying if I said we have never reached that place again. In fact, I feel much of the same in this season. The difference is that we know what to do this time around.
