Rebuilding a marriage after trust has been violated is not easy at all! Most people would be shocked to know that I was actually the offender in our marriage, because stereo-typically it’s the man who always gets the blame. Most times when you hear about the offense, it’s often from the offended person’s point of view. You rarely hear about the journey of the one who has offended. Maybe it’s because they feel unworthy, maybe it’s because of the shame and guilt that they carry, or maybe it’s because of the hurt and disappointment they’ve caused to the person they love. It could be any or all of the reasons mentioned. However, one thing’s for sure, like the offended, the offender goes through a process. It’s a journey of not only healing, but it’s also a journey of redemption. I’m sure when you read my story, you’ll wonder how could trust be so damaged without infidelity? We have been trained to believe in marriage that broken trust is centered on infidelity, but in reality unfaithfulness extends far beyond stepping outside of your marriage. I have never cheated, nor will I ever, but I was certainly unfaithful in caring for Ronaldo’s heart and guarding my own at one point and time.

I can remember during our second year of marriage, uttering the words “I think I’ve fallen out of love with you” to my husband.  It seemed that the passion that we once had at the beginning of our marriage had grown cold. The busyness of our schedule was certainly a contributing factor to my gradual falling away. At the time, I was pregnant with our second child, pursuing my teaching certification, and working full time. Ronaldo was commuting from Zachary to Hammond daily, and we were both heavily involved in another ministry (attending 3 services each Sunday and two midweek services). On top of that, we had a very young 16-month old baby girl.  Life was rough to say the least! It was also at this time that I started to feel dissatisfaction with our sex life.  I must admit, going in, I had a very unrealistic expectation of marriage.  I also didn’t fully understand the difference between intimacy and sex, but we’ll save that for another blog. In my mind, we were supposed to be intimate every day, and if we weren’t something was wrong.

That’s really when thoughts of past experiences started to creep into my mind.  I would often try to block those mental images and past feelings out, but they would return. I found myself desiring some of those same past experiences in my current situation, and that’s when the comparison began.  I started to think, I wish he would do more of this or if he could do that a little differently that would be good.  This became a private struggle that I kept a secret from my husband for quite some time. Finally, when I began to express my thoughts, he immediately knew what was happening.  He knew that I was trying make him fulfill the actions of another. Big mistake! Initially, I didn’t realize the weight of my words, however, I quickly found out. I can vividly remember the pain and devastation that it caused my husband to be compared to another and hear the words, “I’ve fallen out of love with you”. Immediately, he began to shut down.  It was as if I didn’t exist to him anymore. I was dead, and it seemed like our marriage was too. To be honest, who could blame him? Looking back, I am not sure if I could have handled being told either of those things. Being told your sex is boring is one thing, but feeling like I had to compete with what someone else had done would have been damaging in so many ways. Especially with the newfound revelation that he wasn’t even sure if he loved me anymore. Difficult would be an understatement. That’s truly why I believe that God intended for us to only be intimate when we’re married, so that we don’t have any past experiences to refer back to. It’s also to protect us from having a distorted image of sex, which can disrupt our ability to receive true intimacy.

In reality, my husband had already exceeded much of my sexual experiences even at that point, and now….well, I won’t even put those images in your head. Lol! What I was suffering from is a lack of true perspective. By nature, I focus on what’s going wrong rather than what’s going right. So instead of celebrating all the ways he had brought me to new levels of sexual fulfillment, I centered in on things I wanted to be different. I’m not saying we shouldn’t pursue satisfaction, but it should always be tempered with truth. Ladies, let’s be honest, we can struggle with this. Many times we overlook the areas our husbands are succeeding in to remind him of the one area we think he needs to improve. We forget to celebrate his accomplishments, but we are quick to scold him on his shortcomings. Life is about perspective, and the more you focus on the good, the greater life gets.

The journey back to trust is a long and difficult road.  There were many moments of frustration, pain, tears, and times of wanting to give up (me mostly). There were times that I’ve wanted Ronaldo to get over it, and times I’ve wanted to fast forward through the journey of healing and redemption.  However, when you’re the one who has offended, you don’t get to dictate what the journey looks like.  One thing is for sure, there is a lot of work involved, and I had finally made up in my mind that I was ready to do the work.  Ronaldo and I made a commitment to each other that divorce was not an option.  We vowed that we would be together for better or for worse, and even though this was our worse, we were committed to get back to a place of better.