Show of hands, has anyone ever felt like they’ve failed miserably at being a wife?  Most people would not guess that often times I do! Some look at my husband and I and feel that we’re the perfect couple. Don’t be deceived!  There once was a time that my husband and I had a very difficult time in our marriage. It was mainly due my lack of transparency which caused a lack of trust.  For so long, I grew up keeping secrets and upholding a “good girl” image. Because I had lived that way for so many years, it was what I knew, it became who I was.  So, it was only normal for me to function this same way in my marriage. Not knowing the pain that it would bring and the devastation that it would cause.

When we first got married, we made a vow that we would always be honest with each other about different temptations or struggles that we encountered.  My husband had admitted to me that he had an issue with pornography, but when he would ask me if I had any temptations, my response would be “No, I’m good”. I was used to being a keeper of secrets.  In my mind, if no one knew, then it didn’t exist. However, that could not be further from the truth. In fact, I was struggling, struggling with thoughts of past experiences that had occurred prior to being married.  I didn’t want to tell my husband, because I knew the very thought would devastate him. So, I kept it a secret. I often said to myself “I can handle this, it’s only thoughts, and besides I love my husband and I would NEVER cheat on him.” Although I have never cheated on my husband, and have remained committed to our vows, I can definitely see the plan of the enemy to eventually cause infidelity to happen.

What I didn’t realize is that often times our thoughts and desires left unchecked can become our actions. I’d like to believe that I was strong, and that it would have never gotten to that point, but who’s to say that it would not have.  Thankfully after some time, the truth was revealed. Some may wonder, why I say thankfully, well it’s because the truth saved my marriage.  You can never be successful in secrecy. Secrecy is a battle that the enemy will win every single time. Sure, it was very hard! It was difficult for me to admit it, and it was difficult for him to hear it. There were moments of tears and frustration.  But what was birthed out of that was something so beautiful, so pure, and so intimate. In fact, it led to a sexplosion in my marriage!

By being transparent with my husband, it gave him the opportunity to hold me accountable. Being completely open and honest with him created another level of intimacy because there was nothing standing between us.  Opening up and allowing him access to my thoughts and actions took all power away from the enemy. Although this was not easy for me AT ALL, I am glad that I did, because doing so caused us to rebuild trust in our marriage, and at the same time liberated me!