“I feel like I have fallen out of love with you.” Those were the words my wife shared with me in the second year of our marriage. Can you imagine how I felt? She was pregnant with our second child by that time, and it felt like our marriage was in a fragile position. Then to top it off, she told me one of the reasons had to do with our sexual experience in relation to things she had experienced in the past. I was livid! How could she feel this way? If she hadn’t been with anyone else, and waited for me, she would have no clue what something else was like. I waited for her, why couldn’t she do the same for me? How can I end this, and still maintain my witness? These were all thoughts that went through my head.
I can remember giving deep thought to what an exit could look like. In fact, I told myself if she weren’t pregnant with my son, I could probably find a way to be ok with co-parenting our daughter. I shut down. Like really shut down. We were in the same house, but she was dead to me. I felt so hurt and betrayed. Ultimately, I felt trapped. I had made a commitment to her, but she no longer wanted me. My ego was deflated. No man wants to feel like another man has a one up on him. That’s emasculating for any man. Moreover, my heart was broken. Shattered even. I was still madly in love with her before that moment and hearing her share feelings that were contrary to mine left me in a dark place.
When I shut down, it caused her to realize how much she really did love me. Feeling like she had lost me made her value what she had with me. I wasn’t immediately ready to receive her. You know hurt is not always something we can shake quickly, and I certainly wanted to hold on to mine. I even felt justified in it, but I remember the moment everything changed. God reminded me of my vows. You see I promised to love her for better or for worse. The better was the moment we walked down the aisle. The better was the two homes we had purchased by that time. The better was the financial increase that we had attained in a short period of time. The better was watching our daughter come into this world and learning that we would be having a son. This was the worse. This was the moment that I really didn’t prepare for, even though I had uttered those vows. I made a vow to have and to hold my wife, and I knew that this type of brokenness needed a holding moment.
I’m not about to lie and tell you any of this was easy. It was one of the hardest seasons of our lives, but the triumph in working through it produced a deeper love. You see the hard times, the resistance, the struggle, and the fight build our strength. The battle scars help me to know that what we have was worth fighting for. Had I walked away in year two, I would have missed the beauty of the nearly nine years that were awaiting us. We have built so much more in that time period that would have been lost if my deflated ego and bruised heart were allowed to remain in the driver seat of my life.
I also had to understand that my wife really didn’t want to be with anyone else sexually. She wanted me to rise to new levels that would fulfill her in greater ways. It was a challenge I took seriously, and I have rose to the occasion. LITERALLY! (Deletes mental images from your brain once again) Men, we can’t be so weak in the mind, and so strong in our egos, that we can’t listen when our wife challenges us in areas: even sexually. Women are entitled to fulfillment too and shouldn’t be forced to fake the funk just to make you feel macho. There’s no winning in keeping things fake and phony. Cristian and I have grown so much from that moment. We have navigated more hard seasons as well, but I celebrate our scars and triumphs, because a love worth fighting for is a love worth having.
This takes a level of maturity that I think some men may not know or may not ever achieve. This is so common in my practice, (licensed mental health counselor). Egos destroy and men aren’t the only people who have them!
I agree 100%. Many people are not prepared to navigate through situations that make them feel less than. So they try to run to the next thing that makes them feel big, instead of working to improve what they have been blessed with. It’s very hard and humbling, but it is so worth it.
This is so true, if only others would make an effort to talk through some of the rough places and know God has greater on the other side! This blog is giving me life: I’m in this very season of ALL you are posting about, and because he doesn’t want to talk it’s like you are the voice because it’s helping me understand!
We are so glad that our transparency is providing help, hope, and healing for others. Just know that although it may be hard, there is hope and happiness on the other side of the struggle.
There are so many people that maybe going through the same but afraid to say it. You and you’re wife’s openess will help more than you know. There are so many people especially women and men of God that won’t speak on things that have happened in their lives, but you can’t be ashame of your past because your past will help heal and help someone else. If you know that it was God that brought you through , why not share. I applaud y’all and keep doing what God have called y’all to do. Continue being a blessing. Continue being obedient.
Reading comments like this helps us to continue this journey. Being transparent is difficult, but when it’s making a difference, it’s worth it.
Thanks to the both of you guys for the level of transparency you demonstrate. The world needs your voice. This generation needs your truthful witness.
Thanks for the continued affirmation Pastor Jetson. You have no idea how impactful your words are for us. We truly do love and appreciate you!
Marriage truths are rare and not so glamorous. Very fee young people really know the hard truth. As a matter of factthose same egos are the cause for affairs and destruction of families. Great truth, awesome writing.
Thank you! It can be hard to be this vulnerable, but I am glad that it’s helping others. That’s always our goal.