Those were actual words I uttered to my wife at one point in our marriage. Those words were loaded. Laced with both truth and faulty expectations. Both of which needed prompt attention. At that time, our sex life was lacking adventure. We had been reduced down to the get in the bed after 10 pm, turn the lights off, have sex and go to bed. That got tired really fast. You see for me, adventure has always been important. I like new things and experiences, and when things become too routine, I become bored. On the other hand, I was also struggling with faulty expectations. Expectations developed as a result of an extended battle with an addiction to pornography. We were in serious trouble, and we both needed to roll up our sleeves and do the hard work to get things on track.

My battle with pornography really started in my early adult years. Sure, in my teenage years I was exposed to pornography from time to time, but it was not readily accessible. With the boom of the smartphone, pornography walked around in my pocket all day. At first, it started with an occasional glance at it. I would peruse it every now and then. Over time it grew. I found myself looking at pornography daily and engaging in masturbation frequently. Sure, I was a virgin until I got married, but this addiction was setting up an appetite that would prove to be dangerous even in my marriage. When my wife and I didn’t connect sexually for a period of time, it was easy to “take care of myself.” Then images of what I had seen created expectations that weren’t fair at times. I thought my wife was supposed to be like the women I saw in those videos. It was a shameful and powerless cycle that had me miserable.

I can remember what it was like to finally reach a point of frustration that I had no choice but to tell my wife what was going on. I struggled to confess to her, because I thought she would look down on me. I was her Superman, and I didn’t feel permitted to demonstrate weakness. Yet, sharing my struggle with her was the catalyst to my freedom. Not only did I tell her about my struggle, but I also made sure she knew the situations that would open the door for me to indulge in my weakness for pornography. I wanted accountability. I wanted freedom. We established systems in our home and routine checkpoints to see how I was doing. I was embarrassed in the moments that I fell because I hated to let her down, but eventually, I conquered it. Sure, I still have the urge to look at pornography from time to time, but my accountability to my wife keeps me on track.

I also stopped having expectations of her to perform like the people I saw on those videos. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want a more adventurous experience. It just meant that I was ok with us building what adventure would look like for us. And trust me, we have certainly discovered many ways to be adventurous. (Deletes mental images from your brain) Our sex life has not always been perfect. It’s been work. It’s been trial and error. It’s been sex droughts and sexplosions. But it has never been healthier than it is now, because we took time to make it great!